I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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