Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
