I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
