we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
ttyl tear gas
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
