apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
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