You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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