Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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