To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
