1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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