my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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