So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
