I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
