I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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