they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
