Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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