Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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