could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize