my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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