1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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