Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
