Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
