My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize