Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i out mim tonsoeep
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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