At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
