I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
