i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
