before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
