he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All I want is dick and wine.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
