I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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