This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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