I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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