i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
