Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
