I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
