this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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