Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
