i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
