he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
