You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
