A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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