the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
