For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
