Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
pop tarts are not kleenex
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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