To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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