Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
