Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
The best revenge is premature balding
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
