Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he thought i was a dude.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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