i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I currently don't understand fingers.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
