im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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