My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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