It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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