Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
