Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
