Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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