i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
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