I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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