the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
